I have learned that for me one does not often have the luxury to recognize moments that potentially alter or change ones' course in life until long after the results are in place. I believed I lived the best life I knew how, in spite of the hurt, pain and suffering caused and because I used to think I had no regrets. I now know that to be a falsity. I have conducted my life with no sense of direction. Crash and burn comes to mind. The senselessness I wrought in my life and brought into other peoples lives only brought me to this point in life, a point of shame and dishonor.
Now what is past is past for me and I am happy to leave all of my past mistakes behind. I know I cannot go back and change any part of my life where I feel I made a bad decision and am comfortable with the good decisions I have made. I cannot and do not pretend to know or have the answer to the age old questions, “what is the meaning of life?” and “what is my purpose in life?”. What I have come to accept of this life is whatever meaning and purpose I can give to it.
It seems somewhat pointless now to be looking back and evaluating my legacy as either good or bad. All I can do now is look at how many lives I have touched in a beneficial way and the positive and constructive difference I have helped to make. In that way I can take pride in what little I have been able to accomplish and achieve and with the little life I have left adopt this perspective and give everything I do meaning and purpose. I’ve read somewhere that there are those who found meaning in what they go through and have healed faster if they don’t know the meaning of it at the time. So whether one believes in a creator or higher power, one is likely to heal better and maybe faster if they were to view their life’s purpose within a context of meaningfulness.
I know I have persevered holding onto the thought that there is hope for tomorrow. In the context of my life, it may mean that my experiences were a way to make my spirit stronger to provide compassion towards others who may (have) need(ed) it more or were worst off than I. All I can do now is be proud of what little I have achieved and be prepared to give strength and provide support to those less fortunate than me tomorrow.